Sunday, January 30, 2011

A little background.

My course began when I was really little. I didn't know it then, but with 20/20 hindsight I can see it clear as day.

When I was about 18, I had my first vision. I was walking along the beach with Jesus. And he was telling me that I was here to do something important, although he didn't say what. But he basically told me to trust that no matter what happens, he would be with me all the time and that in the times that I felt most alone, he'd be carrying me, even if I didn't know it.

About 17 years ago, I had another vision. My husband was killing himself on drugs and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I had been attending al-anon and had shared that night that every time I shared my anxieties, I felt better. In the vision I saw myself reciting those same words to the women in the group and stood up and looked behind me and each time I saw that when I had made good choices, those choices had been guided by the hand of God. So, then and there I made a commitment to God to look for those pathways that would lead me to the good choices and so long as God made it clear to me, I would follow.

So far so good, or so I thought.

Then my husband committed suicide, leaving me destitute with two small children and about $120K in debts that could not be written off.

And there I was thinking... But, I'm doing what you said, I'm going where you say, why arent, things getting better... But I couldn't see what was good and right and coming for me in the future.

I was so taken up with my husband's death, and the way that even my own family behaved because of it, that I moved out into the middle of nowhere to be alone with my kids.

Then about a year later, I met my current husband. I wanted nothing to do with him, but my heart had other ideas.

When he asked me to marry him, I thought, "what are you nuts, you have nothing, I have less than nothing, what good is this going to do?" but my heart thought "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"...

We were married five months later.

Everything doesn't go exactly according to plan. Things are not always bright and rosy, but I actively look for the good in things. Doing the exercises in the ACIM helped me to realize the lack of real value to things and the real value to my emotions.

I think, although, even for me, it would take a lot of work, that I could handle just about any strife that God chose to throw at me. I swear to God, I say to my husband regularly, I am Job. I truly am.

But, I have to trust in God's plan anyway.

In the meantime, what happens is that I have come to grips with the knowledge that I am not my credit rating. That any morning, no matter how bad yesterday was, today has the potential to be better and so, my first thought is, today will be a better day.

Sometimes, when I'm slogging through a hell of a day, it's all I can do to find the good in what is going on, because I want to pull my hair out, I ran out of gas, filled up, forgot the fill the windshield washer reservoir, got turned around, was a half hour late for my appointment, ran into traffic that would make me an hour late for another appointment, then get home after a really stressful day to learn that I have a choice of tea or tea to calm my nerves because my beloved drank the last glass of rum.

Life isn't easy, it isn't meant to be.

Melody has taught me that we are here to experience these things because WE CAN. God cannot step into this illusion and do any of what we are doing, because God knows that at the wave of a hand, his riches would be right there on the table in front of him. He does not fear, he does not feel pain, he does not desire riches or even comfort, for he HAS all these things.

What we as humans fail to EMBRACE is the knowledge that WE are God and as such, We do not fear, we do not feel pain, we do not desire riches or comfort for we HAVE all these things...


That in order for us to EXPERIENCE the richness that life has to offer, we CANNOT know who we are, so we have this curtain that draws down that keeps us from knowing the truth. Even when it is right in front of us, our ego refuses absolutely to accept it for if it did... WE would cease to exist, for as Gary Renard described it, the Universe would just disappear.

Now, when Melody started introducing me to the Law of Attraction, things got interesting.

But that's another lesson plan altogether.

Both of these "Grand Designs" work because at the end of the day, WE are who we are.

BUT, if we allow our Ego to fight the good fight, we will not believe it and no manner of desire or wishing for the peace will allow it to be.

We must convince our Ego that in following the lesson plan, the ego will become all that it can be and life will be wonderful... even when it is horrible.

1 comment:

Troy Corley said...

I am wowed by your personal journey and I am honored to have met you along the way.